Search for Lights & Embrace the Darkness

Almost three weeks after the big day, still I cannot come up with the annual summary as I used to have. The past 2012 was too much to take, to digest, and to recover. It was too overwhelming that I struggled every day and night bagging a calm mind and a fulfilled soul. It was so wild that I found no comfort zone but fighting to survive out of cougars and lions.

Everyone said the day would come. I never believed that, and I never will because I don’t have to.

While mostly what I did before is to learn the reality, in 2012 I had to take it by adjusting my values, my core, and my life. This sucked, definitely; however, by looking back I feel glad that I am able to say “thank god” as all these are early in my journey, making the reborn less painful.

  • It was a year when two of my most important friends in GT graduated and left Atlanta.
  • It was a year when I got to know certain people but left them shortly afterwards.
  • It was a year when I voluntarily stepped out the comfort zone and kept doing so despite that this not only scared me off but also knocked me hard.
  • It was a year when I was under many uncertainties and realized I can hold diverse points in almost every aspect.
  • Passed thesis proposal and believed to finish defense of dissertation before the big day but failed
  • Conducted a few promising job interviews in NYC regarding computational finance and planned about the future but failed
  • Broke through on research and struggled to land in a conference paper publication but failed
  • Strived to secure a position in “big-brand” IT companies but failed

The only thing I did right throughout the entire ups and downs is to pull myself together. The future can be no easier but at least I had the appetizer first. So, bring them all on!

Last but not least, THANK YOU! All of you motivating me, cheering me, confusing me, and failing me. It is 100% a cliché to say that my life would suck without you, but even with you my life sucks (LOL). However, it’s you that leads me to a brighter life to search for lights and embrace the darkness.

while(true) std::cout << “Thank you <3” << std::endl;


Carry On by fun.

The lyrics’ awesome! Of course, the hook is the essence. It tells us to do whatever brought you here and continue on doing so. It could be that you are in a miserable state, but how could it matter if you are here with your whole heart?

If you’re lost and alone

Or you’re sinking like a stone

Carry on

Later it happened to me that my favorite line is this one —

I am not the ghost you want of me

It reminds me of some note, and here’s to the writer: I understand your kindness knowing that you are sweet yet naive to the world. However, it’s never ok to use that words even if you do think so in good ways. Because to me, they are not! They are words of jealous, charging me why I look so happy after ruining each other. I’ve struggled to! I’ve acted and played hard to! My life, my sucking life, which I’ve lived in with the entire me to make it my way. I am not at all sorry for unable to be the ghost you want of me!